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Are you ever suffocated with emotions but don’t know how to release them to feel better? It’s exhausting. It feels like a craving for something I’ve never had, an aching. All I can do is lie in bed. Need someone to talk to. 

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Roar

There is so much negativity around me that its seeping into my head. I’ve been irritable all day. I’m tense and that voice won’t leave me alone. My family don’t help, no one does. Again I’m craving a house down the country, with a big garden and near the sea. It’s like that will make me relax and content, but it’s just a dream. 

I’ve to take a break from the news, Twitter and reddit until this passes. I feel like I’m going to snap; I dot like the feeling of everything boiling up inside me. 

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It’s all crazy

I feel like writing but at the same time I don’t have the energy. Work is crazy busy. Sometimes I feel like packing up and going home to see how my manager would handle me gone. I can’t help how stressed I get at work. One email can be a trigger. Then the anxiety bursts in and I’m trying to calm myself down for the rest of the day!

Annoying. 

I sit next to a chatterbox. I need peace to be productive. I dream of the future where I’ve my own house in the countryside and I can work in a bright, quiet room. Then I can’t imagine that even being me! 

I spend quite some time thinking of ways this country, this world could be improved. It’s seems a bit useless as I’m not a politician, nor do I want to be one! I just find it so enjoyable thinking about process improvement! Ha! What an odd thing to love. 

Now I’ll sleep and prepare for another stressful day. Depression has been muted lately, it’s the anxiety that’s poking about my insides. Sleep is best. 

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28.

I wonder what my family think of me.. 28 years old, introvert, doesn’t drink, doesn’t ‘party’. I’m single and nerdy, and I’m gay and uptight!
I wonder do they pity me or feel sorry for me because I’m not married or have kids like them? For the record, I never want kids and I don’t care for marriage (but still want it to be available for same-sex relationships!).

Do they think I will end up lonely? Do they realise I have depression? If they do, why haven’t they ever mentioned it? I know my dad, mum and one of my sisters know, but they never ask about it or how I’m doing. It’s weird to me. I’m not saying I’ll spill my feelings to them, but my family don’t seem to notice when I’m down, then who the fuck will? My friends don’t care.

I spend the majority of my time in my room. I think my mum has given up on trying to get me to socialise more. When I say I’ll go out she seems pleased and almost encourages it. More than one evening a week throws off my routine and ruins me with tiredness. It’s bullshit (for me anyway) when people say exercising more can alleviate tiredness and depression. I get more tired and feel great while exercising but down after.

I always dream of what my life will be like when I’m older. I get too homesick to move abroad even though I want to transfer to Barcelona for 6 months. It will hurt to move house which is inevitable when my mum moves to a different county. I’m settled here. My room is like my comfort blanket. It’s amazing how much time I can spend alone. I notice in work when I chat and laugh with my team that I barely speak to anyone outside of work and I rarely laugh out loud!
Things change dramatically when you get depressed and lose friends because you become less social.

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.

I really like the team of people I work with, most of the time! They are friendly and will always help you out. However I hate having to go in Monday and they ask what I got up to at the weekend… Same goes with Friday ‘any plans this weekend?’ No.

I rarely make plans because I usually cancel and prefer to spend time alone. A productive weekend for me reading a ton and researching things that pop in my head. What can I say to them?! I spend time with my family when they come over and walk my dog… But I prefer being alone!! Haha! I am an introvert but they may not see that. They probably think I’m a loser.

I probably would have thought the same 5 years ago of someone else. You just never know what can happen sometimes.

I am desperate for a real person to talk to. I don’t want sex but I want intimacy and trust. And loyalty. When I say this in my head, it sounds like I’m looking for a friend! I have friends. I just don’t talk to them about things I feel I need to. I want someone to understand and know me, not just humour or tolerate me.

That may never happen so I have to convince myself that writing will do. I seem to scare Irish girls and I will never do long distance again! When there’s no relationships, there’s always your dog 🙂