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28.

I wonder what my family think of me.. 28 years old, introvert, doesn’t drink, doesn’t ‘party’. I’m single and nerdy, and I’m gay and uptight!
I wonder do they pity me or feel sorry for me because I’m not married or have kids like them? For the record, I never want kids and I don’t care for marriage (but still want it to be available for same-sex relationships!).

Do they think I will end up lonely? Do they realise I have depression? If they do, why haven’t they ever mentioned it? I know my dad, mum and one of my sisters know, but they never ask about it or how I’m doing. It’s weird to me. I’m not saying I’ll spill my feelings to them, but my family don’t seem to notice when I’m down, then who the fuck will? My friends don’t care.

I spend the majority of my time in my room. I think my mum has given up on trying to get me to socialise more. When I say I’ll go out she seems pleased and almost encourages it. More than one evening a week throws off my routine and ruins me with tiredness. It’s bullshit (for me anyway) when people say exercising more can alleviate tiredness and depression. I get more tired and feel great while exercising but down after.

I always dream of what my life will be like when I’m older. I get too homesick to move abroad even though I want to transfer to Barcelona for 6 months. It will hurt to move house which is inevitable when my mum moves to a different county. I’m settled here. My room is like my comfort blanket. It’s amazing how much time I can spend alone. I notice in work when I chat and laugh with my team that I barely speak to anyone outside of work and I rarely laugh out loud!
Things change dramatically when you get depressed and lose friends because you become less social.

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I really like the team of people I work with, most of the time! They are friendly and will always help you out. However I hate having to go in Monday and they ask what I got up to at the weekend… Same goes with Friday ‘any plans this weekend?’ No.

I rarely make plans because I usually cancel and prefer to spend time alone. A productive weekend for me reading a ton and researching things that pop in my head. What can I say to them?! I spend time with my family when they come over and walk my dog… But I prefer being alone!! Haha! I am an introvert but they may not see that. They probably think I’m a loser.

I probably would have thought the same 5 years ago of someone else. You just never know what can happen sometimes.

I am desperate for a real person to talk to. I don’t want sex but I want intimacy and trust. And loyalty. When I say this in my head, it sounds like I’m looking for a friend! I have friends. I just don’t talk to them about things I feel I need to. I want someone to understand and know me, not just humour or tolerate me.

That may never happen so I have to convince myself that writing will do. I seem to scare Irish girls and I will never do long distance again! When there’s no relationships, there’s always your dog 🙂

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What’s out there?

Life really sucks when you hate your job.. Ok it would be an exaggeration to say I hate my job right now. But I’m beginning to hate it.

We got a new manager and she is so inept and clueless. She’s not new to the company or the team, in fact she has been working with us for almost a year. Yet she still hasn’t copped on to anything. How do stupid people go far in life?

She must be good at faking her abilities. I know when I have meetings with her I can tell she being fake nice! Goddamn I hate fake nice. I wish she would be normal instead of trying to be my best friend and boss! I’m losing respect for her which is unfortunate as once it’s lost it’s very hard to gain back. Everyone on the team is losing patience.

I’ve spent the pst two days working on my CV. It’s finished now but I have held off writing a cover letter. They’re tedious and I wouldn’t read it if I was a recruiter! Same old buzz words and bullshit from everyone, saying they have what you need; I am the best, the most effective, the hardest worker!! You can learn more from a person from an interview than what they lie about in their CV.

I’ve always found looking for jobs to be tiring, it is. But it’s not actually so bad when you have a job at the same time! I like thinking of new opportunities and learning in new companies. Ideally I’d like to stay in the same company but my job is turning me into a crazy person. I’m exhausted, sad and felt like fainting earlier; it’s like I never get a break. Two other team members are leaving shortly; one for maternity leave, the other for a career break. This means more work loaded on the remaining work warriors, I don’t know how much more I can take.

Until then, I will dream of new possibilities and labour out a cover letter I can manipulate for various job applications. It feels like work outside of working hours.

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What a way to make me feel

I told this girl I like that I have depression. We were getting on so well; both confiding in each other.
She couldn’t have backed off any more. I guess the stigma is alive and well!

At first I was annoyed at myself for telling her. Now I’m disgusted that someone can act as if I’ve an infectious disease. I explained that some days I’m perfectly fine and other days, I just need my space. But I’m still a broken person to her.

In future I’ll be up front about it so women have their ‘out’ and we don’t get attached to each other first. People fucking suck.