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Greed & Waste

I don’t make New Years resolutions… I don’t see the point making the effort to change at the beginning of each year when you can make a change at any time of the year. It’s forced and is rarely carried through. You also hear the same old nuggets each year – losing weight, going to the gym, read more books, save more money. I don’t know why people can’t start doing these things in September, or how about in May? It’s nicely exploited by the media and shops – they can promote the same bullshit articles year upon year and sell you shit that you’ll only use for a month or two…

People have become sheep. Avid consumers, nothing is enough, get more, want more.

I am about to read the book ‘This Changes Everything’, I can’t wait. It should give me a broader understanding of capitalism, not that it’s already in my face everyday.

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This time of year…

It’s your tone of voice.. Your point may be valid. You may be giving great advice. You might actually know what you’re talking about. But they way you say it to the rest of us, makes you sound patronising and pissed off at the same time.

Christmas is overrated, especially for people like me that struggle through it. I don’t know if it is just because of my current mental health or in general; I feel like I have always struggled with Christmas though. I like my family most days of the year. We don’t spend more than maybe 6 hours together at a time. This is why I feel Christmas is so fake; having to spend double that time in a small space trying to get on when half of you are so bloody irritating.

People get more annoying at Christmas.

My tolerance decreases every hour. I can’t break off to my room as that would seem rude even though I’m struggling; How many times do I have to explain that I’m teetotal, I don’t want a drink, no, not even just a small one and then explain why I won’t/ can’t drink. Is it like this for everyone who is depressed?

We’re not the kind of family that confides in each other; we tell each other our news, yes, but not who we fancy or what issues we need help with. So I can’t sit here and pretend that I’m happy and get drunk and talk shite. I don’t talk shite. I have nothing in common with anyone from this family. My dad kept checking with me if I really did want that book I asked for – seriously, one book is what I asked for and there was disbelief…

I want to be home, in my own room, calm and surrounded by my dog and wii. I can’t wait to drive home in the morning. I’m at the stage where I’ve completely shut down and feel almost zombie-like again. I don’t feel relaxed at all.

My sister married a cheeky man, quite like my dad in fact. What I don’t understand is she hates him making any jokes… So why the fuck did you marry him – you had the person he is!! He can take a joke too, she can’t. It’s unnerving, constant bickering. My other sister is not different except she’s more abusive to her husband. And she’s turned turned into a complete skobie, shouting, feeding her kids sugar constantly so she has no control over them. They scream incessantly. I don’t like them. You’re meant to love your family no matter what but I don’t think it’s possible for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes your family are not good people, how can I love them unconditionally? It’s not possible, only if you’re a pacifist, which I’m not. I have to do what makes me happy and that means limiting my time with my sisters and their children.

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Overrated

Last day of work tomorrow for the year. I’m looking forward to getting through it then driving straight to my sister’s in Belfast.

I hoping I am happy for the next few days. I get anxious if I’m away from home for long… Especially as I feel under pressure at Christmas. It’s like forbidden to have an off day, everyone has to be in great spirits and act like happy families when you don’t usually spend so much time together any other day of the year.

Also… My ex sent me a letter today. It reads like a self help book! I don’t need that shit!! If she knew me at all, she’d know I’m not into that rubbish. Depression is much more complex and varies between people. Saying – take joy in your life – does not make me take joy and forget my demons.

I’ve never told her what demons I have or what I think. I know she’ll judge me or spout some other nonsense about living life to the maximum. It sounds like a fucking chick flick. Most days I’m fine; but I never need your self help bullshit. Never.

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sunday…

Sunday, is ‘me’ day. I am most relaxed from being alone and getting shizz done! Sunday is ‘tidy my room’ day, ‘go for a walk’ day and ‘read alot’ day. Saturday is for socialising and I always regret agreeing to socialise on a Sunday. Unless of course, I have a girlfriend. I’m ready for my next relationship. I kind have someone but I don’t have her and I don’t even know if I want to be with her specifically or not… All I know is I’m ready for commitment.

When I imagine myself in a relationship, I imagine giving everything I have and being sweet. When I’m in a relationship I feel claustrophic and annoyed. I’m hoping that’s just a sign that I haven’t been with the right woman.

I am always positive when it comes to relationships… It surprises me! I’m not usually a positive person but I truly believe I will find someone that suits me.. and I will suit her. Hopeless romantic. That doesn’t mean that everyone that is married or in a relationship is in love; I have said before in a lot of cases, it’s convenience and timing that make relationships. Well they are definitely factors.

Luckily I don’t want kids (really) so I’m not under a time constraint for meeting a partner. But I will still be hopefuly.

I start writing posts with one thought and it always trails off and has nothing to do with the start!! Ha! I can’t help it, but this is how I deal with my life. Also, I’m watching Sister Act 2, which is awesome! The singing is inspiring; I wish I could sing! Or dance! I am sporty though, I got those genes instead. Anyone need someone to catch or stop balls? How about hit some balls? I’m your girl.