I don’t crave sexual intimacy like my friends. I don’t feel any closer to someone after sex.
I’m more drawn to someone that is complex on the inside. Thinking about it, my exes have all been so easy to understand. They were simple. They wanted sex, alcohol and attention. They weren’t deep enough for me. I could tell what they were thinking but I don’t think they could ever tell where my head was at.
I haven’t felt truly connected to someone for so long… I feel like I am when I meet someone new, but it’s paper thin. Can I bear my soul to someone? Can they do the same to me? Will somebody ever ‘get’ me? I feel like my friends know there’s a lot going on in my head but they’re too scared to ask.
I’ve never had someone love me for me; it’s always been how I look – what an arrogant thing to say, I know. But I don’t have that attractive personality, I don’t draw people in. I’m not aloof and attention-seeking. I’m not the fun one at the party or the best-dressed or charming. I don’t give a good impression and I don’t try to. I’m deeper than that. Why can’t I find the similarly awkward woman that I’ve become? Everyone’s too obsessed with partying and socialising. Where is the woman who’s content with where her life is now? Where is the strong, independent and intelligent woman that enjoys the little things that each day provides?
I don’t want sex. I don’t even need affection. I just need a deep soul and someone who understands me.