0

I forgot

I forgot to take my meds on Wednesday before going to work. I tried to put it at the back of my head, and it worked as I was kept busy for the day.

I was anxious all day but I’ve been anxious nearly everyday in work for two weeks now, so that wasn’t surprising.

I noticed a change at around 4pm. With just over an hour to go, I had little patience for anything. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt exhausted and kept yawning, which is odd because my meds used to make me tired. By the time I got home, I was just angry. But I didn’t know why. I was anxious and frustrated.

People always say the withdrawals are killer from Effexor. Because I’ve never had withdrawals from any substance (bar sugar!), I really don’t know what to expect. So it doesn’t scare me. I’m only scared of losing my passion for learning and strong will power.

I don’t want to go back to that angry, emotional person ever again. It would be complete regression from where I am now.

5

Another life

Lately I’ve been watching documentaries on YouTube about all different countries (I want to watch at least one documentary for every country in the world, it’s achievable!!).

What has stood out for me, it’s other countries resourcefulness. Okay I’ve mostly seen African and Asian countries as they’re mostly unknown to me. They don’t waste anything! People work on the dumps and recycle anything they find useful. There are obvious health risks, but I bet you anything, people desperate for money here in Ireland, would never dream of working in a dump looking for recyclables.
If a cow was slaughtered, everything from the cow is used except for the hair. Nothing is wasted. There is just so much waste in the western world, it makes me sick.

I lived in Kenya for three months after college. I loved it. It was the simple life; limited technology, a proper community and everyone was happy with what they had. We would have power cuts daily. But we didn’t mind, we’d light some candles and just hang out and chat or play cards. I had a power cut at home a few months ago and had withdrawals from the Internet! Pathetic!
I was so happy when I was in Kenya. It changed me as a person, into a better person. The problem is that I went back into this wasteful society and I lost the appreciation for the simple life. People living in mud huts with their family and making small amounts of money, were the happiest people I’ve met. All they wanted was to enjoy life and become more educated.

The stars filled the sky every night – there were thousands more than I’d ever seen at home. A full moon would act as street lights (there were no street lights). I eventually learned how to walk through the village in pitch dark, it became my home.

It drives me insane when I hear my friends complaining about everything, about the weather, not having a house of their own, not earning enough. I’ve learned that no matter how much money someone makes, it’s never enough for them. Someone is always going to be making more money than you, and you’re not going to be happy about it!!! I shut my mouth when I have to listen to that shit!

We are all so greedy people. I know I am. I don’t need many things in life, no one does, but we want everything if someone else has it. I’ve always wanted to live the simple life, I just don’t know if it’s possible here. And Kenya is not the ideal place for a single lesbian, is it! I just wish the western world appreciate what they have, we have never been so lucky.

0

Mayhem

When one of my sisters comes over with her three kids (all under 5), the house descends into chaos. I should mention that my house is not big at all, and due to my mother being a hoarder in progress, it’s full of non-child-friendly rubbish. Hiding things or putting them out of the reach doesn’t bother me. It’s the noise they bring. 

My poor dog was in an abusive home before I took him so they screaming children (and parents) and constant running around, has him literally shaking. If I don’t grab him in time, he runs upstairs, either to hide under my bed or to gaze down and the nightmare situation. I have tried to teach the kids not to scream in his face or chase him, but I guess they’re too young to realise what they’re doing. 

So my dogs anxiety comes back and my anxiety increases. No wonder I love peaceful places and situations!! I don’t ‘get’ kids. I’ve never done the whole baby voice thing to them. It doesn’t come natural to me. It doesn’t help that they’re loaded full of sugar before they arrive and while they’re here. Half an hour in and they’re bouncing from the wall! I can’t feel calm in these situations. 

After they’ve spent an entire day here, I have often worked from home the next day. I feel stressed and unable to comprehend work and forced situations. There is just no way I ever want this life for myself. I would like to still see my sister but I can’t take the mayhem. 

2

Do you ever feel so devoid of energy, you can’t move, your body is heavy?

My insides are crying but I’m straight-faced in appearance.

……

Anxiety has crept upon me numerous times this week. My hands were shaky, my heart was beating too fast, my head was dizzy. It was difficult trying to keep calm in work and act like nothing was going on in my head.

The annoying thing is: I don’t know what brings on my anxiety. This week is no different to last.

…..

It’s funny how someone can have sooo much going on behind their eyes, and yet, you’ll never know the half of it.

1

Imagine

I love lying in the dark. I can hear better. I can think clearly and breathe easy. I feel safe and contained in these four walls.

I like to imagine another life for myself – just for fun really. If I had a different name, would I be a different person? I imagine who I’m with, where I work, the house I live in and the country I’ve chosen too. Imagination is the only place free from judgement. It doesn’t have to be logical. I can have what I want!! It’s my own place that no one else can ruin.

If I wasn’t depressed, where would I be now? Who would I be with and where would I work? It’s amazing how one life event, no matter how small, can affect you for so long and influence your choices and the people you meet. In my head, I get to imagine this. I am the ruler of my fate! It’s nice to have full control of something.

It’s quite a change from daytime. I drift off into imagination but I’m not in control. Someone else takes over and I’m merely a pawn. I shake my head to return to reality and can’t quite believe how powerful the mind can be.

6

Complex

I don’t crave sexual intimacy like my friends. I don’t feel any closer to someone after sex.
I’m more drawn to someone that is complex on the inside. Thinking about it, my exes have all been so easy to understand. They were simple. They wanted sex, alcohol and attention. They weren’t deep enough for me. I could tell what they were thinking but I don’t think they could ever tell where my head was at.

I haven’t felt truly connected to someone for so long… I feel like I am when I meet someone new, but it’s paper thin. Can I bear my soul to someone? Can they do the same to me? Will somebody ever ‘get’ me? I feel like my friends know there’s a lot going on in my head but they’re too scared to ask.

I’ve never had someone love me for me; it’s always been how I look – what an arrogant thing to say, I know. But I don’t have that attractive personality, I don’t draw people in. I’m not aloof and attention-seeking. I’m not the fun one at the party or the best-dressed or charming. I don’t give a good impression and I don’t try to. I’m deeper than that. Why can’t I find the similarly awkward woman that I’ve become? Everyone’s too obsessed with partying and socialising. Where is the woman who’s content with where her life is now? Where is the strong, independent and intelligent woman that enjoys the little things that each day provides?

I don’t want sex. I don’t even need affection. I just need a deep soul and someone who understands me.

0

As it is

I don’t have the energy to pretend. When I go back to work on Monday, I can’t be the cheery, delightful person. I don’t want to take extra breaks to catch up on meaningless gossip. I want to be the diligent worker I have always been, and left to pick up where I left off. I just don’t have the energy for other people’s rubbish. It just doesn’t matter on the grand scheme.