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Tomorrow I visit one of my best friends in England. I am looking forward to it very much. We haven’t seen each other since February. When I visited last, I had to go to a few bars and clubs with all of the guys. I managed until about 1 or 2 but that was all I could take as the sole, sober female. I explained to him I couldn’t drink; alcohol has a terrible effect on me, even one drink and the evil voices in my head take over and I hate myself. I don’t want this to happen again. I can take being the only sober person up to a point, what I can’t stand is the constant hassling by everyone to have a drink – Go on, it’ll be fine, don’t be boring, what’s wrong with you, one drink won’t hurt etc etc.. It’s annoying at first but gets me infuriated when it continues all night. I must try look like I’m having more fun in future!! I’m too stubborn for them to change my mind and I only have to think back to the times I did drink to know the likeliest outcome.

My friends would suggest a night out to make me happy again. I did this for about 6 months before I finally took control of my life myself. It was the worst thing they could have done! I was ‘happy’ when I was drunk but there was always a tipping point when this would change and I would go inside my head and my demons would be louder than ever. I’d start arguments over nothing with friends. I’d go home early and just cry but not knowing why. I’d feel even more worse the days following than I did before I got drunk. Now I’m teetotal, I feel stronger. Okay the demons are around sometimes but it’s not self-inflicted. Funnily enough, when I stopped drinking, I lost friends. Well, it more or less showed me how much some of my relationships were based on alcohol. It doesn’t make me sad. It is just interesting to see that they still suggest nights out instead of just hanging out. Even in our late 20s my friends rely on alcohol to socialise. People only change when something major happens to them, people try to change every New Year, but lasting changes aren’t possible on a whim. They can’t understand unless they’ve been through something similar. I don’t believe anyone’s New Year Resolutions…

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