Sometimes

I feel so isolated. None of my friends can relate to me or what I’m going through. I can only find solace through reading or immersing myself in a tv show on netflix until there are no episodes left. 

I feel like I have no true friend I can bear all to. Everyone passes judgement. If you’ve never been through it then you’ll never know how it feels. 

Maybe just sleeping can save me, even if my dreams are fucked up and leave me in a daze for half the day. 

I can’t even cry: the drugs have stunted me emotionally. I haven’t cried since January. I can feel all the emotion building inside of me, dying to be released, but it’s stuck inside. Someday it will escape me and I will be inconsolable, broken, back to square one. Is this really my life?

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3 thoughts on “Sometimes

  1. I understand how you feel. I had a very hard time with depression last year, and it is difficult for people to understand that what is easy for them is a daily struggle for others. I have always been the happy goofy one with my friends, so they couldn’t understand why it was suddenly now hard for me to simply be happy (and not the fake happy that almost makes you hurt more). I’ve learned that while they may not understand, it is best to be honest with those important to you, so they do not take it personally.
    I truly feel your words when you say “maybe just sleeping can save me” and “I can’t even cry,” I remember those exact feelings.
    And I said the same thing so many times, “Is this really my life?”
    But always look at things in perspective, never be too hard on yourself, and be proud of everything you accomplish (even the small things that may be easier for others).
    I am so sorry you have to experience this.
    The way I coped was by looking towards the future, and accomplishing small goals every day to get to that future. I know it is anything but easy, but it is worth the effort. Overtime things like going out with friends and being in a good mood feel less forced, and eventually more natural again.
    I know its very cliche but it really does get better, never forget that.

    • Thanks for your comment 🙂
      I know some days aren’t so bad, but it’s when I really need to talk, I get so caught up in my head and I know my friends just don’t want to hear any of the shizz. I have improved so much over the past year but I’ve also cut a good few friends out that were just so selfish. So now I may have less friends but I’ve cut out the crap ones (I think!).
      I just don’t know if this is the best I’ll ever be – I can’t imagine going back to the old me! I don’t really want to be that person.

      To keep me going, I usually book trips away every few months so I can see a new country and it’s always something to look forward to.

      • I ended up having the same experience with my friends in terms of letting go of some that just didn’t share the same idea of friendship. And I think that its great to choose people with the same ideals, and who understand and care.

        The traveling sounds wonderful, I definitely need to do more of that! 🙂

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