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This life..

I don’t want to merely exist; I want to be alive, feel alive; make a positive impact on people around me; inspire change and creative thinking; bring happiness to others that I cannot bring to myself.

If I want something, I make it happen. But happiness is impossible to gain, it can’t be bought or traded. I can’t tell you if I’m happy, I don’t know how it feels anymore. But I always do everything I can to try feel the happiness I once felt.

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Aside
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Tomorrow I visit one of my best friends in England. I am looking forward to it very much. We haven’t seen each other since February. When I visited last, I had to go to a few bars and clubs with all of the guys. I managed until about 1 or 2 but that was all I could take as the sole, sober female. I explained to him I couldn’t drink; alcohol has a terrible effect on me, even one drink and the evil voices in my head take over and I hate myself. I don’t want this to happen again. I can take being the only sober person up to a point, what I can’t stand is the constant hassling by everyone to have a drink – Go on, it’ll be fine, don’t be boring, what’s wrong with you, one drink won’t hurt etc etc.. It’s annoying at first but gets me infuriated when it continues all night. I must try look like I’m having more fun in future!! I’m too stubborn for them to change my mind and I only have to think back to the times I did drink to know the likeliest outcome.

My friends would suggest a night out to make me happy again. I did this for about 6 months before I finally took control of my life myself. It was the worst thing they could have done! I was ‘happy’ when I was drunk but there was always a tipping point when this would change and I would go inside my head and my demons would be louder than ever. I’d start arguments over nothing with friends. I’d go home early and just cry but not knowing why. I’d feel even more worse the days following than I did before I got drunk. Now I’m teetotal, I feel stronger. Okay the demons are around sometimes but it’s not self-inflicted. Funnily enough, when I stopped drinking, I lost friends. Well, it more or less showed me how much some of my relationships were based on alcohol. It doesn’t make me sad. It is just interesting to see that they still suggest nights out instead of just hanging out. Even in our late 20s my friends rely on alcohol to socialise. People only change when something major happens to them, people try to change every New Year, but lasting changes aren’t possible on a whim. They can’t understand unless they’ve been through something similar. I don’t believe anyone’s New Year Resolutions…

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Just another day

I always get anxious over Christmas even though it’s just another day. I believe this is due to having to spend a large amount of time around people in close quarters. I already feel uncomfortable. I don’t like this feeling at all, but I brought Xanax with me just in case. Why did this only happen to me over the past two years? I feel as if I’ll just get worse until I can’t be around most people. I don’t get the warm, homey feeling. I only get that when I’m alone in my room or out in nature. When I eventually buy my little country in the country, perhaps I’ll be in peace! 

If I could wish for anything right now, it would be for more patience! I’m restless, uneasy and want things done my way. There is another description for that; difficult! I must wreck everyone’s head! I feel like Bette from the L Word sometimes; so uptight, seeks perfection, always right!! I am flawed but I am human.

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I wonder

I always wonder when I’ll snap out of this depression. A lot of people who have been through it says it does get better, but it’s so hard to imagine. What if I never get better, only worse? I am in more control of myself now, but I’ve cut off so many friends. What if I cut out all my friends and have only my family left? Will I be happier? 

It’s hard to imagine what my life was like before I became depressed. Any issues I had simply don’t even compare to this, how silly they were. How silly are all people’s worries, they don’t have this dark cloud eclipsing them and their thoughts all day long. This is really why I’ve become less and less empathetic to other people in my life. I’ve become almost selfish and all-consuming. Their problems seem so insignificant, and they are! They include: asking someone on a date, what to wear on a night out, weekend plans… Have my friends always been this shallow? I guess I was once like that, I am ashamed. 

I wonder does everyone else get crazy, ill thoughts when they’re alone? I know my family doesn’t like me spending the night alone and worry when I travel alone. It’s not too bad when I’m occupied. But this makes me think about when I eventually live on my own. I have no desire for a room mate. I’ve done it before and I didn’t feel comfortable. What if I can never be parted from this home and my mother? It’s not even as if we get on amazingly. I feel like I would go a bit crazy if I was left to my thoughts and a quiet house.  It’s not normal, I know it’s not and I get judged for living with my mother. I don’t care about it now – we live right beside where I work, I’m saving thousands in rent every year… But, will this bother me in 3 years time? Will I be better then? I wonder what my mother thinks.. I reckon she doesn’t want me to leave. The last time I left for a year, I didn’t last 3 months before I was hit with this depression and spending more and more time and home and spending rent on the other house..

I wonder what my friends, or past friends think of me now. The ones that know of my depression, well they don’t talk about it much. I think they don’t know what to say most of the time. They definitely miss the ‘old’ me. I don’t think that person will ever come back. The friends that don’t know…. Well, they probably think there’s something going on with me as I haven’t been drinking or clubbing. This miss the old me too. If my friendship was so heavily based on alcohol then I don’t believe the friendship was that strong in the first place. How many confessions and trust was built up over being drunk? More than I can remember. I don’t want to be that person again and I will never be that person. I’ve never had a problem making friends and I believe I just need to make new friends eventually, with similar interests, deeper people, who aren’t pissheads!!!

I wonder what I will be like in a year’s time.. I use this website sometimes called ‘Future Me’. You write an email to yourself and post it to yourself from 30 days to 30 years in the future. I recently received some back from last year and my, how much is changed. It makes me re-evaluate everything I feel so strongly about now; Maybe I will change so much by next year! However this time last year, I was emotionally unstable and rarely went a day without crying! The future does interest me endless amounts. 

I wonder will I think about this day in years to come? All my thoughts, my actions, my hopes. I wonder if some old friends are thinking about me now and wondering what ever happened… I wonder is my family now worrying and trying to think of things they can do.. I wonder do they even notice how I feel? I wonder if my career will be successful or will depression drag me down and weigh on my body and mind even more.. I wonder if I’ll ever make a significant, positive impact on someone’s life. Will I be the difference to someone or will I always drag them down too? Will I ever fall in love again? Will anything kick me out of this mindless slumber? I wonder whether I’ll ever be understood. Will my former friends ever learn of my battle with depression? Will they ever understand why I’m not around anymore? I wonder if anyone in my daily life notices my visible struggle, my mental battles in my daydreaming eyes. Do they see me as awkward and unsociable or troubled or mean?

I wonder would anyone notice if I wasn’t even here.